EXPERIENCE: HOW I GOT A JOB IN 500 WORDS

Allow me to set the tempo before I let the drums roll, I was a freelance writer and life was good. I was making decent money for the hours I put in, procrastinating at coffee shops, reading books that "you must read" and doing things you'd expect a writer to do.

That's when I ran into a bit of a dry spell in terms of cash; there were a few projects (not all writing based) which I was expecting would workout but they didn't... none of them. The main project that I was banking on didn't happen, my back up project didn't happen and the back-ups to my back-ups failed as well. Anyway... that's when I applied for a bunch of writing based jobs. I got called for a bunch of interviews too but, this one HR after having gone through my resume and several samples of my work that had been published in national newspapers, magazines, humour websites etc asked me for yet another sample. The topic they gave me for this article was, "If I was king of India."



It pissed me off a little; to think of how after having seen all the work I had done they thought this article would be a true litmus test of my writing prowess!? It sounded like something you'd ask a school kid to write but, I am a writer and so I wrote. Albeit a sarcastic piece- almost as a stinker and to my surprise... I got called for an interview. I also later got the job! Here's the article that got me the job:

If I Was King of India 


If I was king of India, good grammar would be a prerequisite for human existence. That perhaps sounds a bit harsh, but precision of language is all that separates us from beasts. It seems curious that I say such things in the face of poverty, undernourishment, war, rape, famine and countless other evils which plague India. But, we live in a beastly world and language is perhaps the only thing that separates us from animals. It is our only ray of hope, a silver lining of sorts. 

India would truly, be a better place in my regime though. For starters; pizza would be free even if it reached within 30 minutes. All the pizzas in the country would of course be double cheese. Dessert wine would be a compulsory accompaniment for all meals consumed post 7 pm. No one likes sober people post work; they’re just too uptight! 

Speaking of people; under my “Raj” people wouldn’t go to the gymnasium to work out; they’d go to the library. I feel we need strong minds more than we need strong bodies. Why you ask? Because I said so... and I’m king remember? So, you better get used to it. Also all these people who drive their cars with the headlight beams set to high; yes those buggers! They’d all be sitting in front of strobes and would inadvertently die due to epilepsy. Sounds like an extreme measure but, I’m just going to justify it by saying “Power Corrupts!” Also, I’m King. 

Let’s move on, to the next most pressing matters on my list, alcohol and condoms. I’d explain but you already see the connection don’t you? So, under my rule alcohol and condoms would be free. In fact if you had more than a few drinks you’d be given a 10 pack of condoms. You would of course get to choose what you wanted to drink and the type of condom you wanted to take. I’d also give diaphragms out for free- for those who prefer the scenic route. 

Next up... Air Conditioners! I’m aware of the CFC gasses and the greenhouse effect; sadly I doubt I’d make a very environmentally friendly king. I love Air Conditioners- they are my second favourite thing in the world after life. So if I were king I’d make the country centrally air-conditioned. Also rains would be monitored- there would be no extreme weather. Extreme weather is bad for crops and us, so there... my first philanthropist deed as king. 

To conclude I would eradicate poverty, AIDS, essentially all forms of disease, regulate FDI and subsidize localized products. I would sue Apple for over priced products and Samsung for manufacturing chargers with no longevity. Not if they were my clients of course; in that case I’d just write brilliant copy for them. So, that is how things would be if I was king. Would say more but I have a self imposed word limit of 500 words.

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